Jo’s pregnancy journal

Day 200
Your daddy is the best. I told him that he can go and have sex with a prostitute but he said no. In fact I can’t stop remembering his words. “I know I mentioned once to you that I wished we wouldn’t have met that early so that I could have had more experience with girls instead of being with one and the same person for the rest of my life. And sometimes I’ve got those moments when I wonder how it would have been like, you know, if I had met you later in life… And then again I realize how sad those years without you would have been. In those years without you I would be jerk who is interested in girls not for their personalities but for their bodies and I wouldn’t know what it means to sleep with someone I really care about. Yeah, sure, many men are rather about quantity than quality when it comes to women, and I used to be like that too when I was younger because I thought it is about how many girls you sleep with, not what kind of girls but luckily that has changed. I don’t want to sleep with someone else. Yes, I admit, I’m craving your body like crazy, but like I said, your body, not the body of some prostitute. I mean, you’re not pregnant for much longer, so I might as well wait those few weeks… I know [it would be okay], but it would be wrong if I went to one of those women. It’s just…it wouldn’t be fair to you and… I don’t think midget would be proud of its father if it knew I slept with someone else besides mommy.”
It’s those moments I see the love I feel for your daddy. It is so hard to explain after all those years of being with him, when he says things like that. I can’t believe how much I need your daddy, to picture a life without him makes me want to scream and at the same time when your daddy tells me in those words that he loves me it arouses me insanely. I wished I could have ripped off our clothes and let him nail me right there on the couch. But at the same time I know how much it hurts to have sex with your daddy at that was already so a few months ago I don’t want to imagine how much it hurts to sleep with him now. But that doesn’t change the fact that your daddy is very arousing!
I can’t believe your daddy thought about where you would sleep. I couldn’t yet do anything regarding your nursery. Lorelai promised she would make it really pretty while you and I are at the hospital I showed her a few ideas and told her that I would like to have it very simple. I think she will do a great job but I’m just worried if I prepare the nursery that something happens.
Peanut it scares me how much your daddy takes care of me, how much he calms me down when I get scared. I know I’m not my mother but I saw what losing children did to her and I know I’m not good with those genetic stuff but I am half hers so what if the part of her that doesn’t want babies, that makes her lose all those babies. I’m scared that I hurt you. And I am even scared of what it would do to your daddy if something happens to you. He is not good in losing persons, I think because he lost his dad before he was born and then he lost his mommy when he was too young. He can’t lose you too! Never! All I want is your daddy to be happy, so I have to stop worrying so much and show him even stronger how much I love him!

Day 213
I can’t believe that your daddy thinks I will be such a bad mother that I need a nanny to take care of you peanut. I don’t need another woman to raise you! I can do that I might not be as great as Catherine. I know she was the perfect mom and I will never reach her but I will be trying. I mean I won’t be that bad, I think I don’t want to miss any important moment of you peanut. I want to see you the first time smile, sit and walk not to mention when you start talking. I want to witness all those moments and not be told by a nanny what progress you are doing. Why does your daddy think I will be such a horrible mom? What did I do to fail so majorly? I do so much to take good care of you, and of me and I still seem to fail in your daddy’s eyes. I’m sorry you will not have this great mom like Catherine was.

Day 232
I hate not being able to have sleep with your daddy. I really wish I could but this huge belly is always in the way and it gross’ me out to think that your daddy would never think of me as attractive anymore when you kick him. I miss being with him you r daddy, so much. Even though when I would have died if Evelyn would have seen me during sleeping with your daddy on the headmaster’s desk. Oh man it was so funny to sit under the desk while your daddy had his pants down and Evelyn talked about cheating students.

Day 233
Peanut I know you move less in the last weeks before the birth, but it scares me that I feel you so little and at the same time those false labour scare the hell out of me. I still don’t know when those would be real labour pains and I don’t want to worry your daddy to worry about me. I think I am okay, but I have no one to ask. My doctor, scares the crap out of me I can never ask him something and he squeezes my boobs like his thinks about me at night. It is gross how he touches me. I wish I could ask someone but I don’t know whom. I feel so alone… I think Liam still doesn’t want you. He might says differently, but when he spaces off when we are lone tells me that he wishes this, you and us, would have gone a different way. It scares me that he thinks I could ever stop loving him. He is the man I want to fall asleep every night and want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life and longer.

Day 236
Oh peanut please come out there. Maybe I took too good care of you the past nine month. It is time for you to come out and meet your daddy. Please. I can’t stay this fat ugly hippo forever. Your daddy gets itchy and so do I. I miss seeing my feet, I miss being with your dad, I miss having sex with him. It’s been so long, I miss having an orgasm. Peanut it is time to come out. I need to be intimate with your daddy.