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Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad

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1 Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:40 pm

Day ?

I honestly have no idea what day it is in terms of the pregnancy. Women always know that stuff, but please don’t expect us guys to know this. And there’s something with semesters or trimesters or whatever that stuff is called, I don’t care. You know, for Jo you’re some kind of ‘miracle’, but for me you’re one sperm that had the nerve to survive and made its way right to my wife. I don’t know what to say to you right now, it’s not like you can hear me or anything. You can’t even think, you’re just a thing right now, a tiny thing that messed up everything. I’m not sure if my attitude towards you will change within the next days and weeks and months, it probably will, but right now I have nothing to say to you except that you’re not supposed to be where you are right now.
P.S: Just in case you haven’t noticed it already (which, of course, you didn’t, because you can’t think), I’m your dad. No, correction. I’m your father. I’m definitely not your dad, and I’ll never will be! Well, congrats…you’re one lucky…um…thing. Oh, and I already apologize in advance that I will curse a lot, but I seriously don’t give a shit if Jo wants me to stop cursing in front of you, I mean, you can’t even hear me, and besides, these are my thoughts, so actually nobody can hear me. That’s good.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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2 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:41 pm

Okay, I need another name for you. See, I don’t want to call you ‘thing’, but I also don’t want to call you baby, because that word gives me the creeps and makes you be so…real. So, I need a name for you that doesn’t remind me of the fact that I’m going to be a father. So…ehm…I’ll call you midget. I don’t mean it in a bad way, really, but I need a name that doesn’t freak me out, and baby or infant or child or kid or whatever is not an option. So, here we go, midget. I have to tell you something. I think you get the wrong impression of me, you probably think (well, you don’t think at all, but let’s ignore it) that I don’t like you. Here’s the thing; I don’t want to get attached to you. If I get too attached to you, I’ll lose you, definitely. It’s a given fact. See, I have loved three people in my life, my mum, Lorelai and Jo, and I loved all those women very differently, and I lost all of those women very differently. My mother died, Lorelai was always made for someone else anyway and totally freaked when I said I loved her, and Jo…well, I lost her to you. I had my reason why I always hesitated to tell your mother how much I love her because I was worried that I’d lose her too, and now it happened. She may not have died or run away, but I still lost her. So, if I get attached to you now I’m pretty sure something bad will happen to you, maybe Jo will have a miscarriage or you’ll be a stillborn. And if I start getting attached to you after you’re already born and get older, I’ll still lose you, in God knows what way. So, believe me, you’re safe as long as I don’t like you too much. I’m not a superstitious person at all, but when it comes to this…well, it has been proven that I’m just not made to let people close to me. So, it’s really better if I don’t love you, I hope you understand that. I want you to be safe, you know?


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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PA: Skadi
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3 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:41 pm

There’s a story I have to tell you. I actually never got to tell it Jo, and since I know you can’t think or speak I feel like it’s safe with you. I’ve never been a big animal fan, I just don’t get excited about animals. Except that one time, when I was about five and living with my mum at my grandparents’ house in Ireland. The cottage is in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by sheep and cows, so we had loads of sheep right in our backyard. So, I spent a lot of time going out in the fields and there I saw this little lamb, and it was the first and only animal I ever got attached to, kind of. Everyday (if it wasn’t raining like crazy) I went to the field that was right behind our house, and that’s where the sheep herd was, and there I saw that little lamb, which I called Logan. Don’t ask me why, like I said, I was five years old. So one day I went to the field again and saw that Logan was hurt, apparently that bloody dog from our neighbours had attacked some of the sheep, Logan included. I ran back and told my grandparents about it, and then my grandfather got out a rifle (every Irish household in the countryside has at least one rifle or gun, you never know what crazy people break in…) Anyway, he just took that rifle without saying anything and went outside, not seeing that I followed him. I was actually thinking he would shoot that stupid dog as punishment for hurting my friend, but instead he went straight to the sheep herd, looked at Logan and shot him right in front of my eyes. He didn’t look at me, he just mumbled something like ‘had to put it out of its misery’, and then he finally looked at me and said something I’d never forget. “Don’t ever get attached to something, you will lose it anyway.” You know, he was right. It’s something you may call family curse, I don’t know, but it’s definitely true. See, I’m pretty sure despite being so grumpy and distant, my grandfather loved my mum, but ever since she got pregnant he barely spoke to her, even while we were living with them for the first years of my life. Only later I realized that he thought he lost his only daughter too. He barely talked to me either, I think because he didn’t see his daughter in me. See, my mum had brown eyes, my grandparents parents had brown eyes, and apparently most other distant family members as well, so everytime he looked at me he was reminded that someone took away his daughter.
Anyway, that’s the thing with the lamb and my grandfather and the fact that O’Doherty’s aren’t supposed to get attached to anything because sooner or later they will lose it.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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4 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:42 pm

Midget, I’m sorry if I blame you for everything. After all, I was the idiot who got your mother pregnant, so you’re just the unfortunate result of something I did. I’m really sorry. Still…I wish we had watched TV that day when you were conceived. Well, I wish we had watched TV throughout the entire honeymoon instead of doing you know what for that matter…
Don’t you dare look like your mother. Or my mother. Or someone I really care about. I’m serious, don’t you dare! You’ll only make it harder for me to not like you when you look like someone I care about. You’re allowed to look like your grandmother Elizabeth, we’re not particularly close, so I wouldn’t mind if you look like her.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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5 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:42 pm

I’m starting to get really mad at you for taking away the only person I really love. You know, losing someone is already hard enough, but it is only harder to have this person you lost running around right in front of you every bloody day. When people die you’re at least not reminded of your loss all the time because they don’t sit right in front of you and smile at you as if nothing matters. When I think about it…it’s actually harder if they are still alive, and not only that, but alive and right in front of you, and you know that you lost that person and will never get back what you had. So yeah, thanks for taking Jo away from me. Now I see her every day in front of me, knowing that I lost her. And I’m blaming you again, aren’t I? I’m sorry. Please don’t think I hate you, I just don’t want to care about you too much. I definitely want to take care of you, but taking care of someone is completely different than caring about someone. Besides, you’ve got your mummy who loves you more than anything (and with anything I really mean anything, me included), and she gave all the love she once had for me directly to you, so you are a really lucky little midget.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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6 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Sun 03 Jun 2012, 11:24 pm

What is wrong with you, midget? Didn’t you hear what I said before? I made it clear that I don’t want to like you, I said that more than once. And I told you the reason, right? So why do you make me like you? No…I don’t think I like you…or I do…I’m confused. Today I said I was looking forward to meet you, can you believe it? I really said that! I so didn’t want to say it! Don’t you get it? The fact that I look forward to meeting you can only mean that I…well…kind of like you, and I don’t. So, to clear out the air, let’s just say it was something I said without thinking. I didn’t mean it…
But then…just a bit later I heard your heart. You seriously had to let me listen to it, didn’t you? I know, I know, I’m blaming you again. I mean, I didn’t have to listen to it, but there I did it, listened to it although I knew it wasn’t good because it would only increase the chance that I’m beginning to like you. Don’t do this to me, midget, don’t do this to your mother, don’t do this to yourself- don’t let me like you! I feel so weak for not being able to dislike you. I think I’m slowly failing. There were moments when I was really mad at you, when I just wished that you could go away, but you didn’t go away…and the longer you’re staying, the more I struggle because I just can’t bring myself to dislike you. You’re taking away my wife from me, you make her sick on top of that, you’re taking away a lot of my freedom too…and yet I can’t manage to dislike you, even though I really want. I also want you to be safe, so in order for you to be safe you have to make me dislike you. Do you understand? Which doesn’t mean you’re allowed to hurt your mother, you hear me? Just…do something that makes me want to go away from you. Go ahead and look like Victor or something like that! Well…if I think about it, do not look like Victor please, because then I think your mother had an affair. Do…do…I don’t know, do something that pushes me away from you. I thought the fact that you took away Jo from me would make me hate you, but it obviously doesn’t work that way…


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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7 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:58 pm

Okay, we’ve been to the doctor a couple of times now, and he’s honestly the biggest arsehole I’ve ever met (along with Victor, of course). And yes, I know, Jo doesn’t want me to swear in front of you, but sorry, I’m Irish, so there I have my excuse. But seriously, that doctor is one big son of a…well, you know. He’s really rude to your mother and doesn’t let her talk, and if I wouldn’t know it any better it looks like he’s constantly checking her out. I mean, yes, doctors are supposed to look at their patients, but the way that jerk looks at your mum is not okay. And a couple of days ago we went to him again and I said that I often listen to your heartbeat with the stethoscope and I sometimes get the feeling that I hear more than just one heartbeat. In the beginning I thought it was the echo of Jo’s heartbeat, but then I listened more carefully and each time I really focused it sounded like two heartbeats. That douchebag of a doctor said I have to wash my ears, and there is clearly just one heartbeat. I seriously wanted to kick him in the balls. I mean, yeah, he might be right that I only imagine it, but he could say that in different way, not a way that wants me to commit some serious bloody murder. Oh, and midget, don’t worry, it’s not like your father is some bloodthirsty psychopath, even if I sometimes sound like that, but seriously, I would never hurt you.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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PA: Skadi
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8 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:58 pm

To be honest, I don’t like you very much right now. I mean, I always knew you would take Jo away from me sooner or later, but just now I really realized how bad that feels. Yes, I know, you need her and I obviously can’t say to leave her alone, that’s ridiculous, but because of you she doesn’t want to be close to me anymore. You’re the reason why she doesn’t let me touch her like I used to, and I feel like there’s this stupid wall between us which hasn’t been there before, but basically you are the wall that keeps me and her apart. Yeah, so…thanks for that. Jo even suggested that I should go to a hooker during the time that I’m not allowed to touch her. You should probably not know what a hooker is just yet, but let’s just say it would be really bad for your mum’s and my relationship if I would actually go to a hooker, even though your mum suggested it to me. But it’s not good, period. I think the only thing I can do right now is to be patient, and it’s okay at the moment, but honestly I’m not so sure how long I’ll be that patient about it. It’s just…I really, really want to touch your mum, and it’s really hard not to be able to do so when she’s lying right next to me, and knowing at the same time that you- who don’t even know her- have her completely to yourself. I feel kind of left out, but I already saw that coming the moment Jo said she was pregnant.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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9 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:58 pm

And yet I still care for you. A little too much. And I don’t like you for that. Stupid little midget. I told you not to make me like you. I constantly have to take the stethoscope and listen to your heartbeat, I just can’t stop it, it’s like a natural reflex I can’t stop. I love listening to your heartbeat and that worries me, because it shows me that I care for you much more than I intended to. Midget, please don’t die just because I care for you. Your mummy wouldn’t be able to live with that. I could, I know how to handle death. Of course I would be sad if you decide to leave us already, but I would deal with it, I know how to do that, but you can’t do that to your mum, you hear me? She loves you already more than anything, more than me, so if she loses you now just because I was weak and got attached to you, it would kill her. Don’t do that, okay? Just stay healthy.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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10 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Tue 28 Aug 2012, 10:01 pm

Okay, midget, it’s time for you to finally come. Well, actually it’s not time at all because that would mean you would come one month too early and I also really want to have a little more time with just your mummy, but you don’t understand that, do you? Of course not. Why would you? Kids are selfish. I don’t want to blame you for anything particular, after all I was the one who got you here in the first place, but you have no idea that you keep your mother and me apart, you take her all for yourself, as if you own her. And please stop hurting her. I know you don’t do it on purpose, but I wish you would stop hurting her physically.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
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PA: Skadi
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11 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Tue 28 Aug 2012, 10:02 pm

Hey midget…I can’t imagine that you will have an actual name in less than a month. You know, a real name. You will be a real human being, you know that? You will be mummy’s everything, the greatest love of her life, and you know that too, don’t you? I don’t know what name you will have, I don’t even know if you’re a boy or a girl. Personally, I prefer simple names, they are the nicest, I think. And if you’re a girl I would like you to have Catherine as your second name or your third, depending on how many names you’ll have. We don’t know that yet. I didn’t tell Jo, but I would really like that. My mum was really important to me, you know? Just like your mum will be for you. But at least I’ll be there to make sure that nothing happens to your mum, I promise you that, midget.


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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12 Re: Thoughts of a soon-to-be Dad on Tue 28 Aug 2012, 10:02 pm

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away


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SPN: Georgina (Georgie) Gilmore
SG: The Kid
LaL: Willow
PA: Skadi
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